Memoirs of Eva - Jillian Hunsaker

October. I cannot believe we have already hit October. October seems to feel bitter and special all in one. Its a month I feel is important. Lots of awareness events for this month. Breast Cancer. Autism. Down Syndrome. SIDS. Liver. The list really could go on and on. Not saying that any of these are less important to me, but there are two on the list that are near to me because they are me. Spina Bifida awareness. Infant loss awareness. I am the mom of stillborn. I am the mom of a stillborn who had a form of Spina Bifida that was not viable outside of pregnancy. I am a 1 in 10,000. I am also a 1 in 4. 

Before I get too carried away, I wanted to share that tidbit. There are many people who are grieving as they remember those haunting memories and losses. Be kind and loving to everyone. You don't know their burdens.

I don't know if it was the month of October that was getting to me but I have thought so much about Eva lately. Not that I DON'T think of her-because I always do. To me remembering Eva, is replaying those hard times, because that was when Eva was with me and real. Its painful and hard, but its the way I feel closer to her.

I don't tire from replaying my memories, though they are hard, but it's what made it also real. I have always taken an interest in hearing others perspectives of situations. How they felt and handled things. I want to see things from their eyes. The special time with Eva is no different. This was not only for me, but for them as well, because as much as it is their story its also mine and I cherish that.

This first perspective is from my friend Jill. I actually just wrote a side to Eva's story about her. You can check it out here as well

http://evaeverafter.blogspot.com/2018/09/the-day-stranger-became-family.html

Here is Jill's story.

One night Will got a call you for give a blessing. This happened often and I figured he wouldn't be gone long and he'd just come back and hang out with me like he normally does. This time was different. I remember he walked in and looked sad. He comes and sits down on the couch and says, "I'm not sure what's wrong, she says she's pregnant but doesn't look far along. Maybe she's having a miscarriage? But anyway, she needs help." At this point I had so many questions!

Being in ND had really helped me break out of my comfort zone to help people-mostly Because everyone is in the same boat. No family but have a descent paying job. I took Will's advice and found Sadee on Facebook. I sent her a message telling her who I was and that Will is my husband. We chatted for a bit-wanting to get to know her before I bluntly ask her, "what's wrong with the baby?" A few minutes pass and I knew I had to ask. Before I did I had a tug on my heart because I knew something was horribly wrong.

She told me about Eva. About how they just moved here and they had an ultrasound that wasn't good news. They then had to travel to Fargo (5 hours away )last night in their car, because they JUST moved here. They had nothing. I messaged her when they were just getting back into Watford. I knew I had to so something. She had her walls up. She didn't want my help. She was devastated that the ultrasound wasn't perfect. I did the only thing I thought she'd allow...dinner. it was later when I texted her so I didn't have time to make a full meal so I got a pizza. Half supreme for adults, half pepperoni for the kids. I was so relieved that she let me do that. It was so small to me. I wished I could do more.

I got a message the next day thanking me for the pizza. I shrugged it off like no big deal. I continued to message her here and there. I knew Sadee was going through tough times so I did not expect her to respond quickly. Most of the time she did. And she told me about Eva more and more. I felt connected at the very beginning because I had a grandma down my line who was Eva May. I knew I was supposed to be there for her. TJ worked long hours and she was alone with Marley and Corbi all day. FINALLY she let me "in". She said I could come over. Our kids met and it came so natural to all of us. Another confirmation I knew I was supposed to "help" her. Sadee and I instantly connected and it felt like we had been friends for YEARS. She is hilarious. Somewhat of a dirty mind, but those make the funniest people in my mind. 🤣

 Marley has mom's sense of humor and her curiosity and knowledge is like no other. I admire that Sadee shares at an early age with Marley ALL the answers. To EVERYTHING. I'm not like that. So one time I went over and she mentioned something about a vagina. Lol!

But the way Marley talked about Eva it was amazing! Sadee educated this little girl well. She knew her baby sister on a personal level. She knew she was going to be an angel. She had an incredible love for Eva already because Sadee shared things to Marley that I wouldn't even imagine telling my kids. Corbi-oh Corbi! This boy had my heart at day one. His love for Batman is REAL. He always asked me to put on his shoes. He held my hand like he knew me. I was never a stranger. He talked to me like I had been there his whole life, even though we just met!

Sadee and I became good friends. We hung out nearly every day, unless our husbands were off. Sadee always talked about Wendy's hamburgers and how Eva craved them. I thought this was so cool. All I craved was hot chocolate and popcorn. She went to Dickinson often to get Wendy's and I guess she had doctor appointments-but I never heard about this. Just how good and fresh the hamburgers were.

It got to a point where I felt I needed to being Teri in. I felt like Sadee needed her. I didn't know much about pregnancies, especially with the "complication" that she had. Teri was my doula with Charitee. I thank my Heavenly Father on a daily basis for Teri. She saved my life...AND our leased car from having residue from having a baby in it by making us call the ambulance. She was there with me while Will drove the car behind. She was with me to help me have a natural birth. Not planned and totally freaked out because I had not done it before.

Sadee was hesitant (heck, I was too) It's another stranger to tell about her "situation". I could tell she was uneasy about it but I assured her. Teri was the one to call. Teri stepped right in as soon as Sadee dropped a wall; Teri was right there. We formed a bond, the three of us. We would hang out mostly at Teri's and unannounced. I introduced Sadee to others within our Ward. She new a few people and kept it between the ones she could trust. The winter and spring came and went. It was May and Eva was coming whether Sadee, Teri or I was ready. I am not usually good in these situations. I actually avoid them because I feel like I am too awkward. But I knew I needed to stick around for Sadee. And Corbi, Marley, and TJ.

Sadee got to a point where she needed me less and Teri more before Eva was born. I just backed off and took the kids when she needed me to. I texted her here and there to let her know I cared for her. She let me know Eva was going to be born on June first-sooner than I was expecting because she had a later due date (like June 23 or something?) But the reason of not wanting Eva to come on her own in case of complications made complete sense.

THE Day.

 A day I will NEVER forget.

 I went to Dickinson-Will took the day off so I could be there. I was a little shocked I was asked to come. I didn't feel like I was privileged enough to be apart of this. I'm not one to intrude on personal problems especially one of this nature where grieving is involved. I was asked to get food. I grabbed Sadee an Oreo shake from DQ and Teri a triple Burger and a diet Mt. Dew. TJ needed some fast food as well and it was a good ice breaker. I got to the hospital. I walked into the room and it felt like any other "normal" induction. Until I saw Sadee's makeup smeared from the emotional day she had and was enduring. I looked over and saw the table set up for Eva. Baby white lambs with hospital wrist bands on them with Eva's name on them. The beautiful light blue Sadee picked out to represent Eva. We sat and chatted for a bit. I'm totally weird in these situations and just ramble about movies, kids and food. I made awkward jokes and talked about TJ's love for Star Wars. I was sitting there hoping that Sadee and TJ were used to me by now. Her contractions became harder and fewer in between. I knew it was hard for her. This was the last little bit for Eva. I was asked to go find blue Powerade. When I for back to the labor and delivery door Teri met me. She looked distraught, worn out and like something was about to happen. It was about 5 pm when Teri texted me and said I could go home and get some rest. I did, not knowing anything. Not knowing if I'd be coming back.

I got a call at 3 am from Teri. Sadee had delivered Eva-stillborn. I rose out of bed got dressed as fast as I could. Threw my hair in a messy bun and headed to Dickinson (which is an hour and a half away). I stopped to get gas, my Cherry Pepsi and a drink for Teri. I got to the hospital walked in and was so surprised how happy the nurses were to see me. It made me feel special. Needed. Important. I walked into the room. It was dark. Quiet. Everyone seemed to be sleeping. No one moved for awhile so I sat down in a chair and started to pray. I prayed for strength for everyone in that room. Sadee especially. I prayed for myself to not be freaked out. I had never been on a situation like this. As I was saying my prayer Sadee stands up and walked over to me. She handed me Eva. A blanket covered her head. I got the hint she didn't really want me to see Eva like this. I left her blanket over her head. I knew she wouldn't be the beautiful baby I imagined her to be and thought she was from Sadee describing her to me. I sat there. Holding a dead baby. Sobbing. Trying to not be weak. This is something I NEVER EVER imagined I would do in my lifetime-let alone it not be my own baby. I rocked Eva. I treated her like a newborn. I looked at her fingers. Looked at her toes. I looked at her skinny legs like normal people do with babies. I cared for her. I was a bit terrified but I wasn't about to show it to Sadee.

Sadee got up to go to the bathroom with TJ and Teri and my curiosity got the best of me. I peeked. I looked at her head and face. I cried more. It was sad. It was touching. It was an amazing experience I'm grateful to been a part of. Sadee mentioned that the body "wasn't Eva". I knew exactly what she meant. It felt like holding a baby doll. Her sweet spirit wasn't there anymore. The only thing is, this wasn't a doll. It was a real baby. Who, a few short hours ago was alive and well. Sadee is so strong. And we cried and cried. Teri needed breakfast so we left and let the family have their time with Eva. Teri was exhausted. She described how the night went and it made me grateful I wasn't there but amazed and heart broken at what they all just went through. Teri and I had the privilege to take Eva's "newborn" pictures with the nurse. What a daunting experience but one I wouldn't ever trade. It was so touching. It was again, like taking pictures of a doll. But then you realize it's a real baby. I'm not sure how I wrapped my head around it all. I was calm. I think I prayed enough that Heavenly Father knew exactly how to help me be strong through this.

The next week or so I brought in all the meals so Sadee didn't have to relive the hell she just went through to everyone who walked in the door. I walked in and they were all sitting on the couch. All crying, I was just going to leave. I'm still feeling somewhat not privileged to be there. I gave Sadee a hug and she told me the molds for Eva didn't turn out. We cried.

I kept bringing the meals. Being there for Sadee. I took the kids when she needed me too. She was in deep grieving at this point and I wanted to give her her space. I would text her, not expecting replies. After awhile I stopped texting her. I figured she would let me know when I was needed. She knew I was there for her. I knew family was there for her at this time. A little later she started texting me. Here and there, making small conversation, until her dad passed away. It was sudden. This was a horrible year for Sadee. She went days, weeks and maybe even months without texting me back. I let her know I cared for her. I was still there. Finally one day she texted me. She asked if I could pack clothes for TJ. He needed to head to Utah, where Sadee was for awhile. I thought this was an interesting request but did it anyway. I cleaned the house with a friend. I knew she left in a major hurry and she was going to be gone for awhile. It felt good serving Sadee again. She sent a text thanking me when she got home.

 I didn't hear from her for a couple months again. Teri called me up one day and says, "Sadee had her baby!" (I forgot to mention Sadee got pregnant shortly after having Eva) I was shocked! She had a similar experience with Teri that I did! Yet again we were connected with another situation! "Call an ambulance" rings in both our heads in Teri's voice! We reconnected. It was like we never were apart. Now we text ALL the time like nothing happened. Our friendship is strong. It's more like we're family

I appreciate so much having this to treasure. As a parent we always love hearing about our children and Eva is no exception.

If you would like to contribute your perspective to Eva's story I would be extremely grateful. I love to hear all the perspectives on her life, whether it is just a short thought or a whole story, please feel free to share it with me so her story can live on with all of us.

The Day A Stranger Became Family

These next few blogs are about different people in my life who shared a journey with me. A journey of Eva. This story is the journey of Jillian Hunsaker as she went from stranger to friend to family.

(I know she won't like this picture but its one of my favorites. This is Corbi's second mom. He would run to her more often for help than me! We truly love this heart of Gold named Jill!)

The day a stranger became family. We had just moved a thousand miles away. No family near. Just TJ, myself and the kids. We were excited for this new journey until one one day changed everything. That cold haunting day in February. We had learned our excitement of adding a new baby-a girl nonetheless- was short lived. I still can replay everything of that day so vividly. Did you know all the way home I played Word Cookie? And once we got home and put the kids to bed we sat and watched Netflix? We couldn't sleep, but we also didn't want to think anymore. I had been to church maybe once or twice and still didn't know a soul. I went out on a limb and tried reaching someone. Anyone. to come and give us a blessing. A blessing that this was all a fluke. That this was a glitch and it would be okay. I mean, miracles happen all the time. I had seen so many stories of babies having heart problems and then the mom got a blessing and magically the heart became okay. It could happen, right?

We mindlessly watched our show until we got a knock on the door and peer through the top of our door and see a hat. Open to find Danny and Will at our door.

I couldn't find any words to tell these men. We had a brief small talk and then we were asked what the need of the blessing was. I couldn't bring it to words. I later learned that these men were still confused at what I was saying and they thought I was having a miscarriage. They both got a bit emotional because they could sense the hurt and pain we were having. They had no clue how far along I was (I was not even showing) and didn't know the extent of what was happening. I didn't ask to have the blessing say that everything would be okay and we would have a healthy baby. I wish I did, but I know its not how it works. I was just hoping dearly that its what would come out of their mouths.

I was told in this blessing that Heavenly Father loved me. Basically that over and over and over again. Nothing. Nothing about my baby being okay and that she would be healed and live. While I was grateful for the blessing I was still devastated. It was proving that life was not fair.

They offered to watch our kids as we had a 7 hour drive to go see the specialist. We didn't know these people and while we were already feeling uncomfortable with our diagnosis, we didn't feel comfortable leaving our children with complete strangers.

Will is the husband to Jillian. This is when our story starts. The day a stranger became my friend.

We came home from our long trip, feeling even more defeated than before. It was one thing after the next that kept coming up wrong. Remember that plate of crap we were dished? Yeah, we were still feeling it.

I got a ding on my phone and looked to see this Jillian person had messaged me. She mentioned Will was her husband, she didn't know what was going on but hoped I was okay. I didn't even know this person and I immediately opened up to her. I told her it was not okay and my daughter was going to die. And there was nothing I could do about it. I am not sure how she was feeling...I am sure I just put her in the most awkward position ever, dumping all that on her. Again, she didn't even know me. I was a stranger, how do you console a person you don't even know?

She offered to buy us dinner. Send a pizza over. I tried hard to tell her we didn't need it. We didn't need help. I could figure it out on my own. She knew better.

That is the most memorable pizza I have ever had. Not like it was the most delicious/divine tasting....it had the most love in it. I wept as I ate because I was so grateful for this kind stranger who wanted to help. And it was pepperoni.

Time went on and I got to know Jillian a little better. She was stubborn as all get out to wanting to be my friend. We had both come from Utah so I felt a little connected. She was persistent. Kept trying to talk to me and invite me to all things. I had a stick up my bum for a long time because I didn't want to accept help. She even offered to help me vacuum out my car because it was a warm day and "she was going to as well". She must have been super annoyed that I was so stubborn. Probably still is.

I never really displayed ultrasounds of Eva. I was scared someone would get kind of freaked out by the look of her. One day Jill came over, our kids had become really good friends. Jill was
my family, my kids loved her so much. I had an ultrasound on the fridge, she went and looked at it. I was immediately nervous, defensive even. I didn't want her to look at it because I was scared of what she would see. What she would say. And I still am shocked by what she did say.

"Look at her nose! She has the most beautiful nose!" I knew she saw Eva without her head, I knew she saw the abnormalities on that ultrasound picture. But do you know what she saw? She saw that Eva had TJ's nose. I felt such relief and happiness. Because it was true. She did have the "TJ button nose"- all of my kids have it.

Our friendship grew and blossomed into this sisterhood. I loved my new family I had. Jill introduced me to Teri. She introduced me to Sheila, to Betsy, to Nancy....all these people who became my friends when I needed them. They knew my journey was going to be tough and didn't make me feel like a charity case.

There is so much I could say about Jill, about the countless times I called/messaged her. The laughs and trips we took. The time she assembled an army of men to put up a trampoline together when we were clueless, took my kids to give me a break....if you don't have a Jill, you really need to find one.

We were nearing the end of May, I had more frequent anxiety attacks. I didn't want to be left alone. I wanted time alone. I didn't want this to be coming. I was spending darn near every day with Teri and Jill, trying to ignore the fact I was facing the end with my sweet Eva. The little tiny dancer inside of me. They helped me during all of this. I knew they had so many other things to do and families to take care of, and I am not sure how they even did it when it seemed I was always with them. I am sure it was hard for them, too. But they NEVER let me know it. They were so willing to be there in every moment I needed.

My plan was when Eva came, I didn't want anybody really seeing her. Not that I wanted to treat it like she came and had gone. I was scared. Scared of what people would see of her. What would they think in their minds. Would they look with disgust? Scared? Freaked out? I wanted to protect her.

I had already told Teri, nobody outside of the list would see her. My list was very small. I didn't even want my new friends to see her. This was......so sacred to me. My time. My vulnerability. Everything. I knew it was a long drive and to have family to take care of. I also didn't want more people to be burdened with seeing the image of a baby who was not properly formed. These were all my thoughts and pains because I knew I would forever be haunted by looking at and seeing my own flesh and blood...not alive. I wanted to spare the image of Eva. I wanted her to be remembered as the fun, sweet soul she was.

Truth time. I was a different person with Eva. I was goofy, funny, lighthearted, I could pound a hamburger without problem. That was Eva. Her soul was in me and I felt I was living for her, with her. My friends got to be apart of knowing what a sweet person Eva was. They could feel it. Why would I want to ruin that feeling they felt? I wanted to protect them, too.

Teri convinced me to allow Jill to be there. She told me Jill WANTED to be there. For me. For Eva. Because she IS family. I know it was Eva telling me to let her come and be there for this.

I'm sure this was awkward and hard for her, as she sat in the room, we didn't really have much to say as I was resting and grieving. You could feel the somber feeling in that room. We were all grieving what was about to come.

I don't know what time everyone left-time was not a concern and was a blur- but I labored on.
Again, I tell you about these specific people because there is more than one story to Eva. There are many, and are shared through other people. Just like every story has many points of views. So did Eva's story.

I still don't like talking about this day and I am not sure I will ever truly disclose everything that happened. Just know this was a HELL of a day. This was MY hell.

Teri needed to go, after being up for so many hours, we were all physically, emotionally spent. Jill came to rescue Teri and TJ with food, she came to comfort, she came to love. I remember sitting there, holding Eva. I didn't let Jill see her at first. I was again trying to protect us all. Me. Eva. TJ. Jill. I didn't know if she even felt comfortable, I know I would be a little panicked holding a dead baby. But here I was. Holding MY dead baby.

I still cry when I look back on my memory. As Jill came over, sanitized her hands (just like if it were any other newborn) and took her over to the rocking chair and rocked her. She looked at her. Snuggled her. She looked at her hands and feet. She burst out that "She has Corbi's feet!" Something I didn't even notice.

I have never specifically looked at or paid close attention to my sons feet. They were just like any other feet. Jill had spent countless times helping him put on shoes and socks, and noticed something special yet again. Eva had Corbi's feet. His little toes. Her little toes. How they curled and had a plump big toe.

I notice his feet now.

Jill was a reinforcement that day. She helped with so many things that day. It was a very hard, ugly day. Like I said, it was MY hell.

I am sure it looked and felt odd (even to her) that we walked out of the labor wing, trying to make jokes/laugh and not look as we passed the nursery. Trying to not think what we had just done. Leaving all physical evidence that Eva existed. Wanting more time....wishing I could go back, just a few days...see if I did something different we would have had a different outcome. If we would have had more time with her...

Jillian was a ball roller, she took care of every meal that was made and brought it over. This way I didn't have to try faking anything, get up, or do anything. She would walk right in, check on the kids, check on me and TJ. She would sit and laugh with me, cry with me, talk about shows....anything the mood struck. She was versatile to our needs. My needs.

Milk is made different and unique to each baby. When my milk came in after Eva, I grieved yet again, another reminder that I could not have saved her. My baby was gone. Jill was there to help.


They say if you and a friend can last for seven years, you will last forever. While I have not known Jill for seven years, I know we will always be friends and connected with this incredible hardship of a journey. Because Jill is more than just a friend. She is family.