Tuesday, October 2, 2018

Memoirs of Eva - Jillian Hunsaker

October. I cannot believe we have already hit October. October seems to feel bitter and special all in one. Its a month I feel is important. Lots of awareness events for this month. Breast Cancer. Autism. Down Syndrome. SIDS. Liver. The list really could go on and on. Not saying that any of these are less important to me, but there are two on the list that are near to me because they are me. Spina Bifida awareness. Infant loss awareness. I am the mom of stillborn. I am the mom of a stillborn who had a form of Spina Bifida that was not viable outside of pregnancy. I am a 1 in 10,000. I am also a 1 in 4. 

Before I get too carried away, I wanted to share that tidbit. There are many people who are grieving as they remember those haunting memories and losses. Be kind and loving to everyone. You don't know their burdens.

I don't know if it was the month of October that was getting to me but I have thought so much about Eva lately. Not that I DON'T think of her-because I always do. To me remembering Eva, is replaying those hard times, because that was when Eva was with me and real. Its painful and hard, but its the way I feel closer to her.

I don't tire from replaying my memories, though they are hard, but it's what made it also real. I have always taken an interest in hearing others perspectives of situations. How they felt and handled things. I want to see things from their eyes. The special time with Eva is no different. This was not only for me, but for them as well, because as much as it is their story its also mine and I cherish that.

This first perspective is from my friend Jill. I actually just wrote a side to Eva's story about her. You can check it out here as well

Here is Jill's story.


One night Will got a call you for give a blessing. This happened often and I figured he wouldn't be gone long and he'd just come back and hang out with me like he normally does. This time was different. I remember he walked in and looked sad. He comes and sits down on the couch and says, "I'm not sure what's wrong, she says she's pregnant but doesn't look far along. Maybe she's having a miscarriage? But anyway, she needs help." At this point I had so many questions!
Being in ND had really helped me break out of my comfort zone to help people-mostly Because everyone is in the same boat. No family but have a descent paying job. I took Will's advice and found Sadee on Facebook. I sent her a message telling her who I was and that Will is my husband. We chatted for a bit-wanting to get to know her before I bluntly ask her, "what's wrong with the baby?" A few minutes pass and I knew I had to ask. Before I did I had a tug on my heart because I knew something was horribly wrong.
She told me about Eva. About how they just moved here and they had an ultrasound that wasn't good news. They then had to travel to Fargo (5 hours away )last night in their car, because they JUST moved here. They had nothing. I messaged her when they were just getting back into Watford. I knew I had to so something. She had her walls up. She didn't want my help. She was devastated that the ultrasound wasn't perfect. I did the only thing I thought she'd allow...dinner. it was later when I texted her so I didn't have time to make a full meal so I got a pizza. Half supreme for adults, half pepperoni for the kids. I was so relieved that she let me do that. It was so small to me. I wished I could do more.
I got a message the next day thanking me for the pizza. I shrugged it off like no big deal. I continued to message her here and there. I knew Sadee was going through tough times so I did not expect her to respond quickly. Most of the time she did. And she told me about Eva more and more. I felt connected at the very beginning because I had a grandma down my line who was Eva May. I knew I was supposed to be there for her. TJ worked long hours and she was alone with Marley and Corbi all day. FINALLY she let me "in". She said I could come over. Our kids met and it came so natural to all of us. Another confirmation I knew I was supposed to "help" her. Sadee and I instantly connected and it felt like we had been friends for YEARS. She is hilarious. Somewhat of a dirty mind, but those make the funniest people in my mind. 🤣
 Marley has mom's sense of humor and her curiosity and knowledge is like no other. I admire that Sadee shares at an early age with Marley ALL the answers. To EVERYTHING. I'm not like that. So one time I went over and she mentioned something about a vagina. Lol!
But the way Marley talked about Eva it was amazing! Sadee educated this little girl well. She knew her baby sister on a personal level. She knew she was going to be an angel. She had an incredible love for Eva already because Sadee shared things to Marley that I wouldn't even imagine telling my kids. Corbi-oh Corbi! This boy had my heart at day one. His love for Batman is REAL. He always asked me to put on his shoes. He held my hand like he knew me. I was never a stranger. He talked to me like I had been there his whole life, even though we just met!
Sadee and I became good friends. We hung out nearly every day, unless our husbands were off. Sadee always talked about Wendy's hamburgers and how Eva craved them. I thought this was so cool. All I craved was hot chocolate and popcorn. She went to Dickinson often to get Wendy's and I guess she had doctor appointments-but I never heard about this. Just how good and fresh the hamburgers were.
It got to a point where I felt I needed to being Teri in. I felt like Sadee needed her. I didn't know much about pregnancies, especially with the "complication" that she had. Teri was my doula with Charitee. I thank my Heavenly Father on a daily basis for Teri. She saved my life...AND our leased car from having residue from having a baby in it by making us call the ambulance. She was there with me while Will drove the car behind. She was with me to help me have a natural birth. Not planned and totally freaked out because I had not done it before.
Sadee was hesitant (heck, I was too) It's another stranger to tell about her "situation". I could tell she was uneasy about it but I assured her. Teri was the one to call. Teri stepped right in as soon as Sadee dropped a wall; Teri was right there. We formed a bond, the three of us. We would hang out mostly at Teri's and unannounced. I introduced Sadee to others within our Ward. She new a few people and kept it between the ones she could trust. The winter and spring came and went. It was May and Eva was coming whether Sadee, Teri or I was ready. I am not usually good in these situations. I actually avoid them because I feel like I am too awkward. But I knew I needed to stick around for Sadee. And Corbi, Marley, and TJ.

Sadee got to a point where she needed me less and Teri more before Eva was born. I just backed off and took the kids when she needed me to. I texted her here and there to let her know I cared for her. She let me know Eva was going to be born on June first-sooner than I was expecting because she had a later due date (like June 23 or something?) But the reason of not wanting Eva to come on her own in case of complications made complete sense.

THE Day.

 A day I will NEVER forget.

 I went to Dickinson-Will took the day off so I could be there. I was a little shocked I was asked to come. I didn't feel like I was privileged enough to be apart of this. I'm not one to intrude on personal problems especially one of this nature where grieving is involved. I was asked to get food. I grabbed Sadee an Oreo shake from DQ and Teri a triple Burger and a diet Mt. Dew. TJ needed some fast food as well and it was a good ice breaker. I got to the hospital. I walked into the room and it felt like any other "normal" induction. Until I saw Sadee's makeup smeared from the emotional day she had and was enduring. I looked over and saw the table set up for Eva. Baby white lambs with hospital wrist bands on them with Eva's name on them. The beautiful light blue Sadee picked out to represent Eva. We sat and chatted for a bit. I'm totally weird in these situations and just ramble about movies, kids and food. I made awkward jokes and talked about TJ's love for Star Wars. I was sitting there hoping that Sadee and TJ were used to me by now. Her contractions became harder and fewer in between. I knew it was hard for her. This was the last little bit for Eva. I was asked to go find blue Powerade. When I for back to the labor and delivery door Teri met me. She looked distraught, worn out and like something was about to happen. It was about 5 pm when Teri texted me and said I could go home and get some rest. I did, not knowing anything. Not knowing if I'd be coming back.

I got a call at 3 am from Teri. Sadee had delivered Eva-stillborn. I rose out of bed got dressed as fast as I could. Threw my hair in a messy bun and headed to Dickinson (which is an hour and a half away). I stopped to get gas, my Cherry Pepsi and a drink for Teri. I got to the hospital walked in and was so surprised how happy the nurses were to see me. It made me feel special. Needed. Important. I walked into the room. It was dark. Quiet. Everyone seemed to be sleeping. No one moved for awhile so I sat down in a chair and started to pray. I prayed for strength for everyone in that room. Sadee especially. I prayed for myself to not be freaked out. I had never been on a situation like this. As I was saying my prayer Sadee stands up and walked over to me. She handed me Eva. A blanket covered her head. I got the hint she didn't really want me to see Eva like this. I left her blanket over her head. I knew she wouldn't be the beautiful baby I imagined her to be and thought she was from Sadee describing her to me. I sat there. Holding a dead baby. Sobbing. Trying to not be weak. This is something I NEVER EVER imagined I would do in my lifetime-let alone it not be my own baby. I rocked Eva. I treated her like a newborn. I looked at her fingers. Looked at her toes. I looked at her skinny legs like normal people do with babies. I cared for her. I was a bit terrified but I wasn't about to show it to Sadee.

Sadee got up to go to the bathroom with TJ and Teri and my curiosity got the best of me. I peeked. I looked at her head and face. I cried more. It was sad. It was touching. It was an amazing experience I'm grateful to been a part of. Sadee mentioned that the body "wasn't Eva". I knew exactly what she meant. It felt like holding a baby doll. Her sweet spirit wasn't there anymore. The only thing is, this wasn't a doll. It was a real baby. Who, a few short hours ago was alive and well. Sadee is so strong. And we cried and cried. Teri needed breakfast so we left and let the family have their time with Eva. Teri was exhausted. She described how the night went and it made me grateful I wasn't there but amazed and heart broken at what they all just went through. Teri and I had the privilege to take Eva's "newborn" pictures with the nurse. What a daunting experience but one I wouldn't ever trade. It was so touching. It was again, like taking pictures of a doll. But then you realize it's a real baby. I'm not sure how I wrapped my head around it all. I was calm. I think I prayed enough that Heavenly Father knew exactly how to help me be strong through this.

The next week or so I brought in all the meals so Sadee didn't have to relive the hell she just went through to everyone who walked in the door. I walked in and they were all sitting on the couch. All crying, I was just going to leave. I'm still feeling somewhat not privileged to be there. I gave Sadee a hug and she told me the molds for Eva didn't turn out. We cried.

I kept bringing the meals. Being there for Sadee. I took the kids when she needed me too. She was in deep grieving at this point and I wanted to give her her space. I would text her, not expecting replies. After awhile I stopped texting her. I figured she would let me know when I was needed. She knew I was there for her. I knew family was there for her at this time. A little later she started texting me. Here and there, making small conversation, until her dad passed away. It was sudden. This was a horrible year for Sadee. She went days, weeks and maybe even months without texting me back. I let her know I cared for her. I was still there. Finally one day she texted me. She asked if I could pack clothes for TJ. He needed to head to Utah, where Sadee was for awhile. I thought this was an interesting request but did it anyway. I cleaned the house with a friend. I knew she left in a major hurry and she was going to be gone for awhile. It felt good serving Sadee again. She sent a text thanking me when she got home.

 I didn't hear from her for a couple months again. Teri called me up one day and says, "Sadee had her baby!" (I forgot to mention Sadee got pregnant shortly after having Eva) I was shocked! She had a similar experience with Teri that I did! Yet again we were connected with another situation! "Call an ambulance" rings in both our heads in Teri's voice! We reconnected. It was like we never were apart. Now we text ALL the time like nothing happened. Our friendship is strong. It's more like we're family



I appreciate so much having this to treasure. As a parent we always love hearing about our children and Eva is no exception.

If you would like to contribute your perspective to Eva's story I would be extremely grateful. I love to hear all the perspectives on her life, whether it is just a short thought or a whole story, please feel free to share it with me so her story can live on with all of us.