Before I get too carried away, I wanted to share that tidbit. There are many people who are grieving as they remember those haunting memories and losses. Be kind and loving to everyone. You don't know their burdens.
I don't know if it was the month of October that was getting to me but I have thought so much about Eva lately. Not that I DON'T think of her-because I always do. To me remembering Eva, is replaying those hard times, because that was when Eva was with me and real. Its painful and hard, but its the way I feel closer to her.
I don't tire from replaying my memories, though they are hard, but it's what made it also real. I have always taken an interest in hearing others perspectives of situations. How they felt and handled things. I want to see things from their eyes. The special time with Eva is no different. This was not only for me, but for them as well, because as much as it is their story its also mine and I cherish that.
This first perspective is from my friend Jill. I actually just wrote a side to Eva's story about her. You can check it out here as well
Here is Jill's story.
One night Will got a call you for give a blessing.
This happened often and I figured he wouldn't be gone long and he'd just come
back and hang out with me like he normally does. This time was different. I
remember he walked in and looked sad. He comes and sits down on the couch and
says, "I'm not sure what's wrong, she says she's pregnant but doesn't look
far along. Maybe she's having a miscarriage? But anyway, she needs help."
At this point I had so many questions!
Being in ND had really helped me break out of my
comfort zone to help people-mostly Because everyone is in the same boat. No
family but have a descent paying job. I took Will's advice and found Sadee on
Facebook. I sent her a message telling her who I was and that Will is my
husband. We chatted for a bit-wanting to get to know her before I bluntly ask
her, "what's wrong with the baby?" A few minutes pass and I knew I
had to ask. Before I did I had a tug on my heart because I knew something was
horribly wrong.
She told me about Eva. About how they just moved
here and they had an ultrasound that wasn't good news. They then had to travel
to Fargo (5 hours away )last night in their car, because they JUST moved here.
They had nothing. I messaged her when they were just getting back into Watford.
I knew I had to so something. She had her walls up. She didn't want my help.
She was devastated that the ultrasound wasn't perfect. I did the only thing I
thought she'd allow...dinner. it was later when I texted her so I didn't have
time to make a full meal so I got a pizza. Half supreme for adults, half
pepperoni for the kids. I was so relieved that she let me do that. It was so
small to me. I wished I could do more.
I got a message the next day thanking me for the
pizza. I shrugged it off like no big deal. I continued to message her here and
there. I knew Sadee was going through tough times so I did not expect her to
respond quickly. Most of the time she did. And she told me about Eva more and
more. I felt connected at the very beginning because I had a grandma down my
line who was Eva May. I knew I was supposed to be there for her. TJ worked long
hours and she was alone with Marley and Corbi all day. FINALLY she let me
"in". She said I could come over. Our kids met and it came so natural
to all of us. Another confirmation I knew I was supposed to "help"
her. Sadee and I instantly connected and it felt like we had been friends for
YEARS. She is hilarious. Somewhat of a dirty mind, but those make the funniest
people in my mind. 🤣
Marley has
mom's sense of humor and her curiosity and knowledge is like no other. I admire
that Sadee shares at an early age with Marley ALL the answers. To EVERYTHING.
I'm not like that. So one time I went over and she mentioned something about a
vagina. Lol!
But the way Marley talked about Eva it was amazing!
Sadee educated this little girl well. She knew her baby sister on a personal
level. She knew she was going to be an angel. She had an incredible love for
Eva already because Sadee shared things to Marley that I wouldn't even imagine
telling my kids. Corbi-oh Corbi! This boy had my heart at day one. His love for
Batman is REAL. He always asked me to put on his shoes. He held my hand like he
knew me. I was never a stranger. He talked to me like I had been there his
whole life, even though we just met!
Sadee and I became good friends. We hung out nearly
every day, unless our husbands were off. Sadee always talked about Wendy's
hamburgers and how Eva craved them. I thought this was so cool. All I craved
was hot chocolate and popcorn. She went to Dickinson often to get Wendy's and I
guess she had doctor appointments-but I never heard about this. Just how good
and fresh the hamburgers were.
It got to a point where I felt I needed to being
Teri in. I felt like Sadee needed her. I didn't know much about pregnancies,
especially with the "complication" that she had. Teri was my doula with Charitee. I thank my Heavenly Father on a daily basis for Teri. She saved
my life...AND our leased car from having residue from having a baby in it by
making us call the ambulance. She was there with me while Will drove the car
behind. She was with me to help me have a natural birth. Not planned and
totally freaked out because I had not done it before.
Sadee was hesitant (heck, I was too)
It's another stranger to tell about her "situation". I could tell she
was uneasy about it but I assured her. Teri was the one to call. Teri stepped
right in as soon as Sadee dropped a wall; Teri was right there. We formed a
bond, the three of us. We would hang out mostly at Teri's and unannounced. I
introduced Sadee to others within our Ward. She new a few people and kept it
between the ones she could trust. The winter and spring came and went. It was
May and Eva was coming whether Sadee, Teri or I was ready. I am not usually
good in these situations. I actually avoid them because I feel like I am too
awkward. But I knew I needed to stick around for Sadee. And Corbi, Marley,
and TJ.
Sadee got to a point
where she needed me less and Teri more before Eva was born. I just backed off
and took the kids when she needed me to. I texted her here and there to let her
know I cared for her. She let me know Eva was going to be born on June first-sooner
than I was expecting because she had a later due date (like June 23 or
something?) But the reason of not wanting Eva to come on her own in case of
complications made complete sense.
THE Day.
A day I will NEVER forget.
I went to Dickinson-Will took the day off so I
could be there. I was a little shocked I was asked to come. I didn't feel like
I was privileged enough to be apart of this. I'm not one to intrude on personal
problems especially one of this nature where grieving is involved. I was asked
to get food. I grabbed Sadee an Oreo shake from DQ and Teri a triple Burger and
a diet Mt. Dew. TJ needed some fast food as well and it was a good ice breaker.
I got to the hospital. I walked into the room and it felt like any other
"normal" induction. Until I saw Sadee's makeup smeared from the
emotional day she had and was enduring. I looked over and saw the table set up
for Eva. Baby white lambs with hospital wrist bands on them with Eva's name on
them. The beautiful light blue Sadee picked out to represent Eva. We sat and
chatted for a bit. I'm totally weird in these situations and just ramble about
movies, kids and food. I made awkward jokes and talked about TJ's love for Star
Wars. I was sitting there hoping that Sadee and TJ were used to me by now. Her
contractions became harder and fewer in between. I knew it was hard for her.
This was the last little bit for Eva. I was asked to go find blue Powerade.
When I for back to the labor and delivery door Teri met me. She looked
distraught, worn out and like something was about to happen. It was about 5 pm
when Teri texted me and said I could go home and get some rest. I did, not
knowing anything. Not knowing if I'd be coming back.
I got a call at 3 am
from Teri. Sadee had delivered Eva-stillborn. I rose out of bed got dressed as
fast as I could. Threw my hair in a messy bun and headed to Dickinson (which is
an hour and a half away). I stopped to get gas, my Cherry Pepsi and a drink for
Teri. I got to the hospital walked in and was so surprised how happy the nurses
were to see me. It made me feel special. Needed. Important. I walked into the
room. It was dark. Quiet. Everyone seemed to be sleeping. No one moved for
awhile so I sat down in a chair and started to pray. I prayed for strength for
everyone in that room. Sadee especially. I prayed for myself to not be freaked
out. I had never been on a situation like this. As I was saying my prayer Sadee
stands up and walked over to me. She handed me Eva. A blanket covered her head.
I got the hint she didn't really want me to see Eva like this. I left her
blanket over her head. I knew she wouldn't be the beautiful baby I imagined her
to be and thought she was from Sadee describing her to me. I sat there. Holding
a dead baby. Sobbing. Trying to not be weak. This is something I NEVER EVER
imagined I would do in my lifetime-let alone it not be my own baby. I rocked
Eva. I treated her like a newborn. I looked at her fingers. Looked at her toes.
I looked at her skinny legs like normal people do with babies. I cared for her.
I was a bit terrified but I wasn't about to show it to Sadee.
Sadee got up to go
to the bathroom with TJ and Teri and my curiosity got the best of me. I peeked.
I looked at her head and face. I cried more. It was sad. It was touching. It
was an amazing experience I'm grateful to been a part of. Sadee mentioned that
the body "wasn't Eva". I knew exactly what she meant. It felt like
holding a baby doll. Her sweet spirit wasn't there anymore. The only thing is,
this wasn't a doll. It was a real baby. Who, a few short hours ago was alive
and well. Sadee is so strong. And we cried and cried. Teri needed breakfast so
we left and let the family have their time with Eva. Teri was exhausted. She
described how the night went and it made me grateful I wasn't there but amazed
and heart broken at what they all just went through. Teri and I had the
privilege to take Eva's "newborn" pictures with the nurse. What a
daunting experience but one I wouldn't ever trade. It was so touching. It was
again, like taking pictures of a doll. But then you realize it's a real baby.
I'm not sure how I wrapped my head around it all. I was calm. I think I prayed
enough that Heavenly Father knew exactly how to help me be strong through this.
The next week or so
I brought in all the meals so Sadee didn't have to relive the hell she just
went through to everyone who walked in the door. I walked in and they were all
sitting on the couch. All crying, I was just going to leave. I'm still feeling somewhat
not privileged to be there. I gave Sadee a hug and she told me the molds for
Eva didn't turn out. We cried.
I kept bringing the
meals. Being there for Sadee. I took the kids when she needed me too. She was
in deep grieving at this point and I wanted to give her her space. I would text
her, not expecting replies. After awhile I stopped texting her. I figured she
would let me know when I was needed. She knew I was there for her. I knew
family was there for her at this time. A little later she started texting me.
Here and there, making small conversation, until her dad passed away. It was
sudden. This was a horrible year for Sadee. She went days, weeks and maybe even
months without texting me back. I let her know I cared for her. I was still
there. Finally one day she texted me. She asked if I could pack clothes for TJ.
He needed to head to Utah, where Sadee was for awhile. I thought this was an
interesting request but did it anyway. I cleaned the house with a friend. I
knew she left in a major hurry and she was going to be gone for awhile. It felt
good serving Sadee again. She sent a text thanking me when she got home.
I didn't hear from her for a couple months
again. Teri called me up one day and says, "Sadee had her baby!" (I
forgot to mention Sadee got pregnant shortly after having Eva) I was shocked!
She had a similar experience with Teri that I did! Yet again we were connected
with another situation! "Call an ambulance" rings in both our heads
in Teri's voice! We reconnected. It was like we never were apart. Now we text
ALL the time like nothing happened. Our friendship is strong. It's more like
we're family
I appreciate so much having this to treasure. As a parent we always love hearing about our children and Eva is no exception.
If you would like to contribute your perspective to Eva's story I would be extremely grateful. I love to hear all the perspectives on her life, whether it is just a short thought or a whole story, please feel free to share it with me so her story can live on with all of us.
