That is all we have left with Eva. This is hard to accept in many ways. I don't want this time to ever end, and yet I know it is going to come too soon. I am getting uncomfortable with all the extra fluid I have and I have my days where all I can do is cry because the pain hurts that bad. (Imagine when you are swollen and your skin hurts so badly because it is being stretched out and then add pressure from a baby kicking that extra tight swollen skin...it isn't a walk in the park). I cry some days because the pain hurts and I know it will end....sooner than I want. I want the pain to stop, but the same time I don't. Because once that pain stops and goes away, so does Eva.
When I go back to my 'normal' body -as Marley refers- I will only have the left over baby pooch with no remainder of Eva, no more kicking or rolling like the ninja she is. It is hard to admit that I will be, in a sense, okay with it because I will finally be able to fully grieve. Right now, I still grieve but I know it is different from what it will be. I grieve everyday knowing there is an expiration date. That we are one day closer to saying goodbye, but also the unknown knowing that we may only have this day with her as she could go at anytime. I have been blessed that I have been able to carry Eva this long and I am just hoping and praying so much that she will hold on for a little while longer. Long enough to deliver her and have her be alive.
Oh, that is my greatest wish, I hope that she survives labor and delivery and we can have her grasp onto our finger. I hope that she can feel the warmth of our skin as we hold her so close.
As we are nearing our time, I have written up our birth plan. It has been painful to type it out. I can't believe when I have to type out the words do not resuscitate. It is unreal. As a parent, you only want to protect and have the best for your children, and here we are in the position that we just have to watch and wait as she dies. Those moments of waiting will not be wasted, but it will still be hard to know that it could happen potentially at any minute.
Things I don't want to forget about Eva:
- She loves to roll, she doesn't necessarily kick me often but she is a little tumbler and loves to roll all around. I wish I could put into words what this feels like so I can remember too. Because these feelings will soon be memories and then faded ones.
- She loves her big sister so much, and I know she loves Corbi as well; but every time Corbi sits on my lap she kicks him like crazy. I guess its pay back for all the times he tries to wake her up with his violent pushing on my belly ;)
- We have gone through an array of sweets that have sparked her interest and she enjoys but the biggest thing that has stuck has been her love for hamburgers. I could eat one once or twice a day and I don't think she could get enough. I have had cravings for them since we found out we were expecting.
- This pregnancy has been such a huge trial of my faith. I have learned to really rely on the Lord and His plan. Even before we found out she had Anencephaly, we were nervous to even try for another baby due to lack of steady income and then a huge move. Every day I feel so much love.
- I breath and I get heartburn....not the greatest thing to remember but it is something that I will always remember. I only get heartburn during pregnancy, but this time....oh boy, its been different.
- Something else that is different, the way she moves. She is constantly kicking, even when I sleep. I move to my back to my side and she is up. TJ even gets to feel how active and crazy she moves just laying next to me in bed. I will truly miss what a crazy moving dancer she is.
- I had a grilled cheese the other day for the first time and she went nuts over it! She is a true member of our family with her love of cheese.
During this time, I have formed relationships I didn't think I would be able to form and strengthened other relationships. I have learned what has been truly important and who is really there. I have been grateful for those who are compassionate and have learned to let my pride step to the side and have help. I think it was something I truly needed to learn, to accept help from others, and that it is okay.
I have felt such a closeness to my great grandma Eva, and have learned so much about her. I never knew her favorite color was blue. When I was trying to find a color for Eva, TJ and I both were drawn to the color blue. Never knowing exactly why, I tried to brush it off and think of pink (for girl) but the color blue was so persistent in the back of my mind. I was speaking to my mom about it and mentioned that I kept thinking of the color blue. My mom mentioned that blue was Grandma Eva's favorite color. It was such a confirmation that my little Eva is already so close with my grandma Eva.
When my great grandma died, I was really young (like 3) but I remember that day. I remember going to the hospital to say goodbye as we knew she was not to last long, and I remember I was so excited to show her my sparkly barbie. Even on her death bed, she still had a beaming smile and patiently listened to me talk about my barbie. Not long after we left my mom got a phone call saying she had passed away. I surprised my mom and myself that I remember that. But I guess it has to do with my special connection with my Eva's.
I got a text the other day of a picture of my Great Grandma Eva holding me. The way she was looking at me while on her lap...is emotional. I can see the love she has for me and I know that that love has not left, as I know she will be there when my Eva goes to help welcome her into Heaven. And she will keep her safe, loved, and taken care of until the day I can take care of her. Such a special thing to know that I have someone that loves her as much as I do to take care of her.
Until Heaven, Eva Carolyn
Until Heaven, Eva Carolyn