Friday, May 26, 2017


This isn't real. It can't be. How can time be up so fast?

Normally you anticipate the day you get to have your baby. You can't wait, such an exciting time! I feel so opposite, I don't feel like it has been enough time. I am still waiting to wake up from this terrible dream and have everything be okay. But its not. It wont be.

We have less than a week. That is 6 more days of having Eva kick and move around,6 more days  before we have to say goodbye. I don't try to make this all sad because Eva's journey has had some really great joyous moments. But....I am so sad. Sad that her journey here on Earth is ending. I wont have a physical reminder she is here with us. No more having her all stretched out so I cant bend down at all. This. This is hard.

Just an update from my last appointment:
My wonderful friend and Douala, Teri, the kids and I packed up to head into our last ultrasound to see Eva. The kids have been so excited and want to go see and hear her heartbeat daily. So I didn't want them to miss seeing their sister one last time before she arrives.

As the wand moved to show Eva, the kids were so excited! Corbett gets so happy and normally screeches her name because he is so happy. Marley loves to watch her move around. My kids know who Eva is. They know her. When we look at our maternity photos they get so excited to see my belly because they know Eva is inside there moving around. This brings me happiness, because they know their sister.

Eva was stubborn as ever and we were trying so hard to get a profile picture of her. I mean this is the last visit and I would love just one more of her sitting all cute with her hands up to her head. Nope, that isn't Eva. Eva had her butt up and face in my back! We really tried to get a good one but I just had to roll my eyes a bit on how stubborn this little girl is. I love her so much, even with her stubborn personality. I know that is something we would have clashed about one day, but she would be such a daddy's little girl because TJ just has that magic way with stubborn people ;)

When we went into meet with our doctor we had lots to discuss. Eva's kidneys and heart are working great and she has a full bladder but I have double the amount of amniotic fluid of a normal pregnancy. Which just means I am super uncomfortable and also had to change a few plans with our birth plan- nothing ever goes the way you exactly plan. But I left that conversation feeling it was the best- and it is. It gives us the best option to be able to meet Eva.

There are a few other things that are a risk with having this much fluid but it just pertains to me, so I am confident that my doctor knows the best way to handle and go about the situation if it comes up.

Then it was time to hear her heartbeat on the Doppler. I never thought the kids would enjoy it but boy, was I wrong. My doctor is so wonderful. She lets the kids do the work. From putting on the gel to using the Doppler to find her heartbeat. I love the look on their faces because they are so excited to be doing something so cool and yet so important. These are memories I will be able to cherish forever. I wish my doctor knew just how amazing she is for allowing them to be apart of this as much as possible.

Eva is weighing about 5 pounds right now from the measurements we can get- so still tiny but she has surpassed my weight guess so that makes me happy.- see another stubborn move on her part, she wont let me win ;)

The next time we go back is the day before we deliver, just to go over last minute things and preparing for the next morning. Which brings me back to the hard part....time can't be up already.

The past few days I have enjoyed just looking at my belly and seeing, physically, her moving across my belly. To see her wild jabs that push my belly out so far and her sweet little movements that are barely visible.

I have had such phenomenal friends in my life that have come to the rescue and have helped so much. I am to the point where I am getting contractions daily -I am thinking they are just braxton since its my first time ever experiencing this. So these wonderful women have helped me prepare my house and help with my kids. I can never thank them enough.

I never knew what it meant to feel like I 'belonged' in a certain place. Like knowing we are meant to be where we are at. I thought we just moved to Watford for a job. But I was proven wrong. We are meant to be here for something so much more important. The wonderful people we have met are our family. Friends just doesn't cover it. I am so blessed to be in such a wonderful place with wonderful people. And really, this would not have been like this if it weren't for Eva. She helped bring us here. And that is something I will never forget about her. As much as she is stubborn, she has helped guide me into the place I need to be. Physically and spiritually.

I love my little girl so much, and I am so sad to be nearing the end of our journey and have to say goodbye. It just doesn't seem real. I still can't wrap my head around that. But she has taught me so much. She has taught me to be less stubborn and accept help and love from others (I know this one is kicking me in the butt already- laugh away, ladies ;) ). She has taught me to cherish my children more. To sit and just hold them. Kiss their little heads and smell them. Hug them tighter. I know right now I am not the fun mom and can't play with them but I am committed to jumping with them, chasing them around the house and hearing the laughter that will only soothe my broken heart. I have learned the best way to help go forward is them. They are my everything.

Because of Eva, I have changed too. I have learned so much about what is really important to me. The year 2016 was about me gaining self confidence physically with myself. I feel like 2017 has helped me realize I need to rely on others, and to have a greater knowledge of my Saviors love for me. I have learned to be less stubborn. I have learned to not take anything for granted. Find Joy in my journey.

Everybody is going through something in their lives. It may not be physically apparent but it is there. Be kind and loving to everyone you see. Because you don't know the battles they are facing. Eva has humbled me a bit and to just love.

I hope that Eva will be close by with us even after she leaves this Earth. That our children will remember what a special girl she is. I hope that I can still witness the ripple affect she has left and be able to smile and feel that joy she has left.

Eva means life. I will live for her. I will have joy for her.

I love you with everything I have, Eva Carolyn. You have taught me so much about life and I am forever grateful.

Pictures of our maternity session in Utah done by Shauna Eskelson of Eskel Photography
Thank you again for helping us have everlasting memories of our sweet little Eva 


  1. Oh sweet Sadee thank you for sharing your thoughts, I have loved reading your blog. I don't write beautifully as you do but I wanted to comment on your post today.
    I'm not sure if you know Marcie Terrell but she was the music director for our very first Laurel retreat in Morgan. She had memorized the hymn "More Holiness Give Me" and taught us what it meant to her. She said verse one is about self awareness and recognizing our need for growth. You mentioned 2016 was your year for that. Verse two is learning more about our savior and being able to see His life as an example to guide us in making changes. Comments you made about 2017 shows your connection with Him. Verse three teaches us when we join with Him we are strengthened and lifted to be more fit for His kingdom and more use to others. Your experiences with precious little Eva are blessing so many lives, and as I see it you are fulfilling verse three, helping us all to want to become more like Him. My prayers are with your little family! Much love, Leslie Lubeck

  2. Ps: after learning what Marcie taught, the spirit was undeniable and filled our hearts and the room as we sang it with the laurels, helping each of us feel the beauty of our Saviors love and mission. It has become very personal and one of my most favorite hymns! Hope it will become one of yours too!