It seems life has been moving forward; TJ has resumed working, I have picked up on my hiatus from photography, Marley is now in preschool, Corbett has taken off on talking. All these things are wonderful but...this is our new norm. Things have been okay here. Until Friday.
Friday I went on a walk to our mailbox, opened it and saw the USB from our birth photographer. The emotions flooded me. What normally would be a happy occasion to get pictures back- it left me feeling such an emptiness. It also was the 1st so it signified that it had been three months since you had returned to your Heavenly Home.
Three months. Can it really only be that short of a time? And yet feel so long ago? Honestly, it almost feels like a lifetime since you were with us. I think that makes it even harder. They say that to God our lifespan is within a blink of an eye. Should feel like its been going by fast, yet it's not. So much has happened in three months and I have been chasing my tail trying to keep busy. All while being so busy that I have avoided the grief sink hole in my life. That is the place where I feel you most. In my sadness.
Marley and Corbett are so tenderhearted and notice when I am sad. This is when they add the extra snuggles, hugs, and 'I love you's'. It also is so tender on my heart when I scroll through Facebook and Corbett sees an ultrasound picture and proclaims "EVA" in screams of excitement. It is even harder because it is just posts of babies with anencephaly. He knew what she looked like and other anencephalic babies remind him of his sister.
We recently took a family trip out to Utah to visit family for a quick week. It was jam packed leaving not enough time for anything. Constantly on the go. We did have a family lake day and that was fun. But I struggled that day, as we were having fun, my heart ached wishing our Eva could experience the sand and laughter of her older siblings playing. I felt an emptiness I hadn't felt before. I always embraced the "I will never experience this stage" because I know one day it will be made right, and we will raise Eva from infancy. But that day, that cool sunny day where the kids learned the pure joy and love for water sports, the laughter of family...I felt the pang of "never get to experience".
A couple months ago (shortly after we received Eva's fatal diagnosis) TJ and I read up on ways to cope with grief. One of the things we read was getting a pet was very therapeutic. We thought about it and it wasn't the right fit for us. But it wasn't a no. Our kids haven't been sad kids, in fact they have been the happiness I need on my hard days, we recently were sitting on our patio when our children saw a puppy and we all were overcome with a happiness. TJ and I are not personally pet people but were drawn to the happiness we felt. We thought about it, looked into it and then found our sweet puppy Talia.
While taking care of a puppy has been somewhat like taking care of a baby, she has been a blessing to our hearts in filling in sadness. I know she will be a great dog for our family and will always signify a healing source in our grieving process. I'm not saying it has 'cured' anything, because gosh darn it....it is tough work and some days I really want to throw in that towel! But then its the moments where she snuggles up to me that make it worth it and not feel so sad.
So, as I sit here and slowly crawl out of this grief pit, I cant seem to help think about you. I hope you are doing wonderful things whatever they may be, and that those butterflies I see around are little reminders that you are close by and thinking of us. It's moments like this that really hit hard to think that this is our normal. Our normal doesn't include life with you right now, and quite frankly that sucks. But again I know someday this will all be made right and our life will include you with you in our arms.
As for now we will continue to climb out of the pit, juggle our life like we always have; One foot in front of the other, and keep moving forward.
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