I Have mixed emotions surrounding you, and while I miss you with everything I have, I have peace within knowing you don't need to live this pandemic, live in a place where skin color is even an issue! I have peace that you are always with me.
This wasn't the immediate reaction for me. It has taken me months to get to this 'peace'. I had gone for a run and listened to a podcast about infant loss from my friend Sarah. (she too, has lost a child and I happened to find her and her story shortly before we found out about Eva(like days)). I have thought on ways to honor Eva for her upcoming birthday- we are terrible parents and we don't do the donations to a fund or really making too much of a deal. We found Eva to be very simple and just didn't know the best way to honor her. But I knew that in all my sad times I could go clear my head when I went for a run. And it had been frequent lately.
I am part of an amazing local running group and they have shown me how supportive they can be. I reached out to them to see if they would even be interested in doing something like this -I mean, its more running so why would they say no? ;)
For majority of these people I have not met, and yet I had an overwhelming amount of running/walking friends who have shown me such love I went ahead and hosted an event for Eva's third birthday, we were going to run/walk 3 miles. I was embarrassed as my runner mind thought three miles wasn't bad, we do it all the time! But there were many who I know this was a huge thing for them and they dedicated time out of their day to help honor Eva. People everywhere were thinking about my daughter. And that was the best birthday gift I think I could have ever asked for.
I was at peace.
I decided to run on the 1st (the day her heart stopped) as my day of being sad. I wanted the 2nd to be a good day. I ran as long as I could muster with tears of sadness. I missed you, and now was my dedicated time I could be fully enraged with sadness and grief- it was solely about me and you. I got to wonder what life with a 3 yr old would be... I was okay being sad for us.
I was anxious for the next day- I knew I had incredible support and I knew the 5am-ers were already out and getting their run in. But the emotions that I felt when I logged onto Facebook and saw all the completed runs/walks- I was floored! It was 7am and it was just the motivation I needed to get out of bed and out on the pavement to get my miles in! I felt so lifted up, I felt so much support, I felt so much love! I wanted to take the time to enjoy this feeling. I felt fatigued still adjusting to elevation and yet I knew I could keep going strong, there were people literally all over the country doing something to honor Eva! And as a mother I felt it so deeply and I felt Eva with me so strongly helping push me along. This run wasn't sad. It wasn't bogged down of the current events with the world. This run was filled with peace.
We started a group walk a few hours later and again, I was flooded with love and support as I walked with family who took time out of their day to come walk with us. It was an incredible day and it felt good to honor Eva in a way that I knew! Thank you to every single person who participated in one way or another. 3 miles is no easy task and I felt such a respect and honor from everyone who dedicated time and energy for me and my family.
Why wear blue?- When we found out we were having a baby, we knew it would be a girl and her name was to be Eva (I am named after my great grandma -Eva May-. We had a relationship like no other and knew I wanted to name my daughter after her.) When we found out about her diagnosis (anencephaly) we wanted to have a color that we felt represented her best. Without talking together TJ and I both felt the color blue best suited our precious Eva. I had told my mom we had picked the color blue, she told me blue was my great grandma Eva's favorite color! We had this little connection between my Eva and my great grandma and it brought this color blue to life with such a special meaning to us! (With help from family, we were able to use some of my great grandmas doilies she made into little boots for my Eva to wear)
I collected some screenshots of those who helped honor Eva on her birthday and I know I didn't get them all, but boy-oh-boy I am so giddy to have all these amazing people who have shown so much support for my angel!
https://www.facebook.com/events/259844415057297/
All these people ran FOR YOU, Eva!
I know I have said it so many times-but I will say it again- Thank you all for giving me the best birthday gift for my daughter. Thank you for your good thoughts, prayers, vibes, energy, time and distance. This was a priceless gift I can never repay and I am in debt with gratitude to each and everyone of you!
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