Reality

This isn't real. It can't be. How can time be up so fast?

Normally you anticipate the day you get to have your baby. You can't wait, such an exciting time! I feel so opposite, I don't feel like it has been enough time. I am still waiting to wake up from this terrible dream and have everything be okay. But its not. It wont be.

We have less than a week. That is 6 more days of having Eva kick and move around,6 more days  before we have to say goodbye. I don't try to make this all sad because Eva's journey has had some really great joyous moments. But....I am so sad. Sad that her journey here on Earth is ending. I wont have a physical reminder she is here with us. No more having her all stretched out so I cant bend down at all. This. This is hard.

Just an update from my last appointment:
My wonderful friend and Douala, Teri, the kids and I packed up to head into our last ultrasound to see Eva. The kids have been so excited and want to go see and hear her heartbeat daily. So I didn't want them to miss seeing their sister one last time before she arrives.

As the wand moved to show Eva, the kids were so excited! Corbett gets so happy and normally screeches her name because he is so happy. Marley loves to watch her move around. My kids know who Eva is. They know her. When we look at our maternity photos they get so excited to see my belly because they know Eva is inside there moving around. This brings me happiness, because they know their sister.

Eva was stubborn as ever and we were trying so hard to get a profile picture of her. I mean this is the last visit and I would love just one more of her sitting all cute with her hands up to her head. Nope, that isn't Eva. Eva had her butt up and face in my back! We really tried to get a good one but I just had to roll my eyes a bit on how stubborn this little girl is. I love her so much, even with her stubborn personality. I know that is something we would have clashed about one day, but she would be such a daddy's little girl because TJ just has that magic way with stubborn people ;)

When we went into meet with our doctor we had lots to discuss. Eva's kidneys and heart are working great and she has a full bladder but I have double the amount of amniotic fluid of a normal pregnancy. Which just means I am super uncomfortable and also had to change a few plans with our birth plan- nothing ever goes the way you exactly plan. But I left that conversation feeling it was the best- and it is. It gives us the best option to be able to meet Eva.

There are a few other things that are a risk with having this much fluid but it just pertains to me, so I am confident that my doctor knows the best way to handle and go about the situation if it comes up.

Then it was time to hear her heartbeat on the Doppler. I never thought the kids would enjoy it but boy, was I wrong. My doctor is so wonderful. She lets the kids do the work. From putting on the gel to using the Doppler to find her heartbeat. I love the look on their faces because they are so excited to be doing something so cool and yet so important. These are memories I will be able to cherish forever. I wish my doctor knew just how amazing she is for allowing them to be apart of this as much as possible.

Eva is weighing about 5 pounds right now from the measurements we can get- so still tiny but she has surpassed my weight guess so that makes me happy.- see another stubborn move on her part, she wont let me win ;)

The next time we go back is the day before we deliver, just to go over last minute things and preparing for the next morning. Which brings me back to the hard part....time can't be up already.

The past few days I have enjoyed just looking at my belly and seeing, physically, her moving across my belly. To see her wild jabs that push my belly out so far and her sweet little movements that are barely visible.

I have had such phenomenal friends in my life that have come to the rescue and have helped so much. I am to the point where I am getting contractions daily -I am thinking they are just braxton since its my first time ever experiencing this. So these wonderful women have helped me prepare my house and help with my kids. I can never thank them enough.

I never knew what it meant to feel like I 'belonged' in a certain place. Like knowing we are meant to be where we are at. I thought we just moved to Watford for a job. But I was proven wrong. We are meant to be here for something so much more important. The wonderful people we have met are our family. Friends just doesn't cover it. I am so blessed to be in such a wonderful place with wonderful people. And really, this would not have been like this if it weren't for Eva. She helped bring us here. And that is something I will never forget about her. As much as she is stubborn, she has helped guide me into the place I need to be. Physically and spiritually.

I love my little girl so much, and I am so sad to be nearing the end of our journey and have to say goodbye. It just doesn't seem real. I still can't wrap my head around that. But she has taught me so much. She has taught me to be less stubborn and accept help and love from others (I know this one is kicking me in the butt already- laugh away, ladies ;) ). She has taught me to cherish my children more. To sit and just hold them. Kiss their little heads and smell them. Hug them tighter. I know right now I am not the fun mom and can't play with them but I am committed to jumping with them, chasing them around the house and hearing the laughter that will only soothe my broken heart. I have learned the best way to help go forward is them. They are my everything.

Because of Eva, I have changed too. I have learned so much about what is really important to me. The year 2016 was about me gaining self confidence physically with myself. I feel like 2017 has helped me realize I need to rely on others, and to have a greater knowledge of my Saviors love for me. I have learned to be less stubborn. I have learned to not take anything for granted. Find Joy in my journey.

Everybody is going through something in their lives. It may not be physically apparent but it is there. Be kind and loving to everyone you see. Because you don't know the battles they are facing. Eva has humbled me a bit and to just love.

I hope that Eva will be close by with us even after she leaves this Earth. That our children will remember what a special girl she is. I hope that I can still witness the ripple affect she has left and be able to smile and feel that joy she has left.

Eva means life. I will live for her. I will have joy for her.

I love you with everything I have, Eva Carolyn. You have taught me so much about life and I am forever grateful.

Pictures of our maternity session in Utah done by Shauna Eskelson of Eskel Photography

Thank you again for helping us have everlasting memories of our sweet little Eva 

Finding Joy

Just yesterday a friend tagged me in a comment on Facebook. I normally ignore things when I get tagged a bunch of times because honestly it always involves the same story. I used to be so....upset because I felt like I was letting other people down. People have come to me and have told me what a blessing I am giving, donating Eva's organs. Well sad news, we are unable to donate due to many circumstances. One being our hospital does not harvest organs and two, Eva has more than just anencephaly to worry about. She has an unknown genetic disorder. We have come to terms with this decision and are okay with it. We get to spend invaluable time with our little girl and know she is making a difference still.

This one post got to me though. It asked about finding joy in trials. What? At first I wasn't going to respond. I wasn't mad but I thought to myself, how can I write about joy right now when I don't even feel strong? How can I see joy right now? I decided to just kind of blow it off like it was no big deal. 

I got a message that evening from this friend saying they appreciate my blog and hearing my testimony during our hardships. So, what the heck....I decided to go for it and I am glad I did.

I sat down at the computer for an hour or so just pouring out my feelings. And instead of sadness and heartache I was feeling, I felt joy. So I figured I would share with you.

Hi,

My name is Sadee Carney. I am a mom of two crazy little kids with one on the way. This is my story.

My husband and I were in a hard spot this time last year, with just a recent job loss after 4 years of diligent service. We didn't know what our next step was, and as my husband searched for jobs I attended the temple one day. I asked if we were meant to add any other children to our family and let God know that we were willing to do His will. Well, I kept getting strong promptings every time I went that we needed to have a baby. I knew it wouldn't take us long because we have been very fortunate to be so fertile. I was so scared, we couldn't even pay our rent, let alone add another baby to the mix.
But we were diligent and decided to go forward with this new trial. This was just the beginning. When we got pregnant my husband had been accepted into school and had a job that could work along with his school schedule. BUT we were still struggling to pay our bills. So, we tried another job. This job was complete opposite of what we were looking for. Like, he had a desk job at a tech company for four years and all the sudden we were looking at manual labor, working in oil business. Plus it was a cross country move! We felt like it was the right move and everything lined up for us to move within a week. My husband left first and we joined him a month later. 

By this time we were getting close to finding out what we were having. Mind you, not a soul knew we were pregnant ( I was lucky and didn't have morning sickness or really show at all until I hit 20 weeks but that was well after we had moved from all family and support). We went in to meet our new doctor and we did the basic overview of this pregnancy. We then went in for our anatomy scan when we learned the devastating news. Our baby girl had a fatal diagnosis of anencephaly. Anencephaly is where the brain and skull do not fully form, meaning that she would not be a viable baby. We also learned along with anencephaly she had other genetic issues that we could have been at fault for. My husband immediately told me, this pregnancy was still a trial of our faith. I was so....scared, sad, guilt-ridden....you name it and I probably felt it. How, if we were listening to the Lord and doing what he had asked, why would he allow this to happen?

I immediately started talking to moms on Facebook and looking for support groups. There are two women that really stuck out. One had already lost her son over something else, and the other was a mom of one-soon-to-be-two angels. Her little girl had the same diagnosis and she was much further along. I saw that even through all this hardship, she was so full of light! She is religious but not LDS, and she had such a strong light about her that I wanted to befriend her so I could feel that warmth.

We had a ton of family and friends and strangers praying for us, and those prayers brought such comfort during the hard days. The days I didn't feel like I could even get out of bed or see because my eyes were so tear stained. 

I had moments of joy though. Because I knew that my daughter was so special that she didn't need to stay on this Earth long to gain a spot in the celestial kingdom. The first mom I mentioned helped me with the eternal perspective on things. She mentioned that our sweet babies already were so perfect and as parents our goal is to raise our children so they can too obtain a celestial being. How great it is to already have one waiting there! This has helped me on my hardest days, because I have come so close to angels who are building me up daily, and holding my hand, walking me through this. I am so important and special because my daughter chose our family. She chose me to be her mother and to carry her so she could gain a body. That is all she needs, and then she will be on the other side waiting for us to come be with her!

Through such sadness and difficulty with going through loss, there is joy. And The gospel brings me joy in knowing that this life is so short and this is not the end. We will get to raise our daughter, we just need to be worthy. So in a sense it makes the celestial kingdom more tangible.

I find joy in my two kids. The sensitive sweet spirits they are and the knowledge they have about the gospel. We have really good days and then we have hard ones. On the hard ones they let me know how much they love me with their funny personalities and tender hugs and kisses, wanting to just sit and snuggle and talk to their little sister. They know that she is going to die. But they also know that Jesus will take care of our little lamb just like he the picture by Greg Olsen. 

I am a firm believer in the ripple affect. I find such joy when I hear how Eva's journey has helped another family come closer into the gospel. My cousin recently told me that she has had such a strong desire since Eva's diagnosis to get herself and family ready to have a temple/celestial marriage because she doesn't want to leave this world and not be sealed to them.

So yes, this journey has been hard and I know as I approach my due date and prepare to say goodbye to our sweet little girl, I know that goodbye isn't forever. Weatherford Clayton spoke about death on the Saturday morning General Conference session this past April and it hit me hard. I will get to witness such a special sweet peace as we say goodbye to this world and as angels welcome her into heaven. It's hard to say that I look forward to that day, but I do. I want to feel that my baby won't hurt. She wont be in pain, she will be welcomed by the family that have been walking me through all this hard times. I know that my Great Grandma Eva has been with me during all the moments, and she will be there for our sweet little Eva, and welcome her home. And Jesus will be there to take care of her just like her big sister says.

Heavenly Father does not send us on trials to be mean or cruel. Because honestly, this is a hard trial, and it is unfair anybody has to endure child loss. He does this to strengthen us and make us better, so we can return to Him. So I can return to my daughter and raise her. I never regret this decision of getting pregnant and carrying her to term, because I know she is forever mine, and there is no 'death do us part'. That is Joy. So here I am struggling to say I am the mom of three beautiful children, but I think it is so joyous to know that Eva has a mission, and to know that her mission isn't just on the other side. It is on this side as well, I have had many people tell me how Eva has changed their life as well, for the better. To me, that is joy.

My name is Sadee Carney and I am a mom of THREE beautiful children. 

There were many things I wanted to add but I figured short and simple was the way to go.

I continue to find joy in the little things daily and I hope that when our journey with Eva comes to its closing for this time on the Earth that I can reflect on all the joy I have felt. 

It is hard to find joy in the journey but it is possible. How have you found joy in your journey? 

Reflecting

One month.



That is all we have left with Eva. This is hard to accept in many ways. I don't want this time to ever end, and yet I know it is going to come too soon. I am getting uncomfortable with all the extra fluid I have and I have my days where all I can do is cry because the pain hurts that bad. (Imagine when you are swollen and your skin hurts so badly because it is being stretched out and then add pressure from a baby kicking that extra tight swollen skin...it isn't a walk in the park). I cry some days because the pain hurts and I know it will end....sooner than I want. I want the pain to stop, but the same time I don't. Because once that pain stops and goes away, so does Eva.



When I go back to my 'normal' body -as Marley refers- I will only have the left over baby pooch with no remainder of Eva, no more kicking or rolling like the ninja she is. It is hard to admit that I will be, in a sense, okay with it because I will finally be able to fully grieve. Right now, I still grieve but I know it is different from what it will be. I grieve everyday knowing there is an expiration date. That we are one day closer to saying goodbye, but also the unknown knowing that we may only have this day with her as she could go at anytime. I have been blessed that I have been able to carry Eva this long and I am just hoping and praying so much that she will hold on for a little while longer. Long enough to deliver her and have her be alive.



Oh, that is my greatest wish, I hope that she survives labor and delivery and we can have her grasp onto our finger. I hope that she can feel the warmth of our skin as we hold her so close.



As we are nearing our time, I have written up our birth plan. It has been painful to type it out. I can't believe when I have to type out the words do not resuscitate. It is unreal. As a parent, you only want to protect and have the best for your children, and here we are in the position that we just have to watch and wait as she dies. Those moments of waiting will not be wasted, but it will still be hard to know that it could happen potentially at any minute.



Things I don't want to forget about Eva:

• She loves to roll, she doesn't necessarily kick me often but she is a little tumbler and loves to roll all around. I wish I could put into words what this feels like so I can remember too. Because these feelings will soon be memories and then faded ones.  
• She loves her big sister so much, and I know she loves Corbi as well; but every time Corbi sits on my lap she kicks him like crazy. I  guess its pay back for all the times he tries to wake her up with his violent pushing on my belly ;) 
• We have gone through an array of sweets that have sparked her interest and she enjoys but the biggest thing that has stuck has been her love for hamburgers. I could eat one once or twice a day and I don't think she could get enough. I have had cravings for them since we found out we were expecting.
• This pregnancy has been such a huge trial of my faith. I have learned to really rely on the Lord and His plan. Even before we found out she had Anencephaly, we were nervous to even try for another baby due to lack of steady income and then a huge move. Every day I feel so much love.
• I breath and I get heartburn....not the greatest thing to remember but it is something that I will always remember. I only get heartburn during pregnancy, but this time....oh boy, its been different.
• Something else that is different, the way she moves. She is constantly kicking, even when I sleep. I move to my back to my side and she is up. TJ even gets to feel how active and crazy she moves just laying next to me in bed. I will truly miss what a crazy moving dancer she is.
• I had a grilled cheese the other day for the first time and she went nuts over it! She is a true member of our family with her love of cheese. 

During this time, I have formed relationships I didn't think I would be able to form and strengthened other relationships. I have learned what has been truly important and who is really there. I have been grateful for those who are compassionate and have learned to let my pride step to the side and have help. I think it was something I truly needed to learn, to accept help from others, and that it is okay.

I have felt such a closeness to my great grandma Eva, and have learned so much about her. I never knew her favorite color was blue. When I was trying to find a color for Eva, TJ and I both were drawn to the color blue. Never knowing exactly why, I tried to brush it off and think of pink (for girl) but the color blue was so persistent in the back of my mind. I was speaking to my mom about it and mentioned that I kept thinking of the color blue. My mom mentioned that blue was Grandma Eva's favorite color. It was such a confirmation that my little Eva is already so close with my grandma Eva. 

When my great grandma died, I was really young (like 3) but I remember that day. I remember going to the hospital to say goodbye as we knew she was not to last long, and I remember I was so excited to show her my sparkly barbie. Even on her death bed, she still had a beaming smile and patiently listened to me talk about my barbie. Not long after we left my mom got a phone call saying she had passed away. I surprised my mom and myself that I remember that. But I guess it has to do with my special connection with my Eva's.

I got a text the other day of a picture of my Great Grandma Eva holding me. The way she was looking at me while on her lap...is emotional. I can see the love she has for me and I know that that love has not left, as I know she will be there when my Eva goes to help welcome her into Heaven. And she will keep her safe, loved, and taken care of until the day I can take care of her. Such a special thing to know that I have someone that loves her as much as I do to take care of her.



Until Heaven, Eva Carolyn

Update: 31 weeks

We have had a very adventurous last few weeks that I figured I would do an update from us and what we have been up to.

The beginning of April we headed out to Utah, the kids and I, to spend some time with family and friends while TJ was off on hitch (work for two weeks straight). We really hesitated on going out before we found out because we knew we had big expenses coming with the birth of a baby. BUT we decided we wanted to create these memories with Eva and have others get to meet who Eva is- even though she is just a blob of belly attached to me ;)

We arrived and already were so so busy with going to places. One of the big things Marley wanted to do was to go see Beauty and the Beast, go to Costco, and visit Ken Garff our car dealership while we were in town. (I know, two out of three are super odd- but she is 3) I am happy to report we actually made it to all three things! The first day we were there we had purchased the tickets to see Beauty and the Beast but she fell down the stairs and no longer wanted to go. She said the only thing that would cheer her up was to go to Costco. So we canceled the tickets for that evening and went to Costco instead! Ha, for real....she was so thrilled. I am glad that Eva gets to know that Marley LOVES Costco and that it really cheered her up. She must thing Marley is one odd duck ;)

I made it a priority to make sure that Eva got to attend a Jazz game. Being a born Jazz fan and coming from a Jazz fan family, I knew it was important she got to experience a Jazz game. What a game to attend too! Oh goodness, I knew she was extremely excited like the arena because she would just not sit still! The kids are true Jazz fans as well and enjoyed each moment. Corbi is SO intense and loves the enthusiasm. He even would yell "Go Jazz!"  a ton when things were getting so heated from excitement. It was so nice to have this special experience with not just my kids but with my siblings. It meant so much to be able to have these special memories. Even the kids will get to remember this event and they got to share it with Eva as well.

 Marley is way into the silly face game right now. And if you can see all three of the kids were enjoying popcorn! (Marley wanted to make sure Eva got to try the yummy game popcorn too, which is very sweet of her)

The next night we had a VERY special dinner put together for Eva and I. I wanted to find a way to celebrate Eva's life while she was still with us. I have fun memories of baby showers for my kids and I wanted to have this special time to create the memories I needed (along with the kids) to remember Eva and all the people that love her dearly. It was such a lovely dinner and I felt so much love and I know Eva did too.  I have such amazing family and friends who made the sacrifice to take a night out of the week to come help celebrate. I wont go into the thank-a-monies but I am so grateful for so many amazing women in my life who have helped me so much along the way.
I am very grateful that we have so many fun and crazy memories of this in picture form too, because I will cherish them all for the hard times to come.

We spent the rest of the trip being super busy and making more memories with loved ones, it was a very delightful time and I am so glad we have these memories to cherish.

When we got home it was time to have another check up on Eva. This time the kids got to come along with TJ and Kimber! She was being stubborn and didn't move around much in order to get a good picture of her. She has grown another pound or so and is almost up to 4 pounds! This might mean that I might have another big baby like the other two. Which is super funny because some babies only get up to 5 pounds or so. I was so worried she would be too tiny for things we have for her but if she is anything like the other two-and she is- than she is going to be a big chunk. As odd as that is to say, I want to be as normal as possible and having the possibility that she will weigh more than 5 pounds is exciting for me.

I am starting to get more uncomfortable and swelling but it is different from the previous two, and when we did the ultrasound, Kerri found that I have extra fluid; not enough to be of a big concern yet but its enough to start the discomfort. This can be normal with these babies due to not being able to have proper organ function or other things wrong with them. We already knew that Eva has something wrong that doesn't allow her to swallow. Last appointment she was doing so good and this time something is a bit off. Her kidneys are still working and she has a full bladder but beyond that we have no idea why I am retaining more amniotic fluid. The doctor mentioned that she could be struggling on the swallowing again.

After all the checking and discussing on how the ultrasound went we started getting into the talk of induction. What intervals we wanted to do monitoring, and the date, etc. This was really hard as it really set in with me, discussing the monitoring meant we were not going to be monitoring the full time, but trying to determine how often and the unfortunate discussion of if we want to know if she passes before birth. It never gets easier. Its always hard to think when her last moment of life will be, and I pray that it wont be during the laboring process- but every moment I have had with her has been a blessing in itself so I am grateful for this time. So if that means she needs to go before we actually get to meet her, then so be it. But I think I carry enough stubborn genes that she has some in her too to hold on and make it to birth, because she has her daddy and brother and sister who are so eager to get to meet and know her, even for the short time in this life.

Its become more real as we have finalized the date and time to start our final journey with Eva. Her birth and death. We have had this date in mind and spoken it a few times but to actually have it in a computer system in the hospital is.....too real. Because I know the only remainder of Eva after that day will be in our hearts, no more rolling and moving inside of me, no more kicking her brother when he sits on my lap, no more belly kisses from my sweet Marley. We will only have the memories, and I pray that the kids will have a memory of their sister even for being at such a young age. I hope that she will visit them and remind them of her, just like we will. I know this day was bound to come, but it has never made any of this easier.

I know that Eva has made an impact on my life and the life of others, it always helps me to hear that Eva has changed others as well, because it means that for whatever purpose we have to go through this, there is a ripple effect.

Update:28 weeks

These past few weeks we have been doing okay. We have our moments of sadness, but mostly we have been enjoying our time we have together and  even better with the weather warming up. But, yesterday was a roller coaster of emotions.

There has ever only been one death that has really impacted me before. I still remember that day so vividly- and it was almost 6 years ago. I was in high school, and it was a family friend who passed in an accident involving a tractor. I wont drop too much detail because it is not my story to tell, but this has been the only death that has really impacted me. Until now.

Yesterday, we drove the long drive to our doctor. This was also the day we would go talk to the funeral homes and the hospital to get some arrangements made for when our time comes.

We pulled into the first of the two funeral homes we would look into- it felt weird 'shopping' around for a funeral home because its a place you hope to never have to go to. But I felt such a calmness when making the arrangements earlier in the week.

TJ was able to take the day off because it was such an eventful day and it involved making decisions we needed to make together. I was so happy to have him with me. Even though it was a sad/hard day, it was nice to see the humor in him- we both really needed it; to remember that we can be happy and laugh together. I wont lie, this has been super stressful and difficult for our marriage- he works all the time to provide for us and when I do get to see him I just cry, hormones from pregnancy do not help make this any less hard.

We went in to the first funeral home- we met Jim; a man whose stature was a bit intimidating, yet he was so welcoming and we could feel his sincere condolences with his firm and gentle handshake. We went back into a conference room passing a service room that was hosting a viewing. It was odd to be seeing a viewing take place while planning what we would be doing in the next few months.

I came prepared with so many questions; luckily TJ knows what a morbid creep I am and wasn't too alarmed. ;) Poor Jim on the other hand, he said he has never had to tell people as much as he did to us- what was planned to be a half hour appointment was approaching an hour. We learned so much about the process of what would take place of our sweet little baby. I felt like I was just doing an article for a paper or something- I was trying not to really think that this was for Eva, rather than just getting informed for someone else- not MY baby.

He asked if we had any other questions. There was one question I didn't want to ask, but I needed to know. How would they come take her? It still makes me cringe thinking about this. We are not leaving the hospital with Eva. She will not be coming home. Even though I have known this for some time, it is still hard to fully comprehend. Essentially this man, Jim, gets to take our baby girl to a place no parent wants to send their child.

While they do it in the utmost respect, it still felt cold. He gets to take Eva on her first and last car ride. Something that every parent remembers; the first car ride home. I remember ours with Marley. I was so nervous, I made TJ take all the back roads because I didn't dare go over 40 miles an hour, that was our precious baby we just had and I would rather go snail paced than to hurry and rush to our home. It was odd leaving the hospital, like what do we do now? With Corbett it was a bit different, we had to rush to get to Primary Children's and I didn't feel like we were driving fast enough! Funny how one kid to the next has changed. And now again with Eva.

But we don't get the luxury of driving her home. We don't get the luxury of walking in the door and telling her this is where we live, where she will grow up and learn. This will never get to be her home. Her home is in Heaven, while that place is ever so lovely....its not here.

We spoke a little more trying to lighten the conversation as much as a meeting like this could. And we left feeling no less comforted or prepared than when we came in.

As we drove to the next home, we tried to discuss what our thoughts were- we were given more options than what we originally thought could happen. I was grateful to know about these options but it didn't help our thought process or decision any less easier. We were still so confused on what we should do.

The next funeral home was nice as well; we met with John, who was so warm and welcoming. Why are these guys so nice and welcoming? I wasn't upset that they were so welcoming and kind to us- because this is their job. It just sucked that we are once again, stuck in making these decisions for Eva.

He was very sensitive to our needs and answered all the questions we- I- had. And I am pretty sure I weirded him out with my odd questions, but was ever so polite and didn't have a nervous look on his face like I was some creep. That was nice :) ---Can I just stop for a minute and tell you how wonderful TJ is? He sat there with me and listened to everything I was asking, not cringing on the things I am sure he didn't want to know, and for not being scared of me. Haha! He knows I am morbid and is okay with that. Normally if I get too creepy he just sends me to talk to Cyndi. But he told me that he was glad I came prepared with my questions. It was good information to learn.--

This death will not just affect TJ and I. Not only our parents and family. This will affect our children. Yes, those two who I sometimes don't think about in a sense of affecting. When I look to June, I see a part of TJ and I dying along with Eva. But then I remember that this will be hard on the kids too. Marley and Corbi. The innocence of their childhood will change.The things other kids wont have to worry or deal with. And honestly I am not prepared for the hurt that will happen to them. I want to protect ALL my children, and I feel selfish because I have been so focused on how TJ and I will make it after wards. So focused on how I am going to get myself back up off the floor to take care of my children. How do I feel so torn that I want to take care of Eva but I can't because I have two other kids depending on me? How do I put my grief aside to help my kids process all this?

The other day we went to a play group and there was a little baby in a walker. Corbi loved pushing her around and laughed while playing with her. This was without a doubt the cutest thing, but it also pained me; Corbi won't get to push his little sister around in a walker making her laugh. Instead he only gets to say goodbye and I hope and pray he will remember her. Remember that he does have another sister who was too perfect for this world.

John explained that even in his 35 years of being in service he has only had a infant death once. We are case number two, and how they have been so fortunate for that, they gave us so many options to help our children grieve. There it was again- not about us, but our children. I have to add that all my questions that day had been about making this not scary for them, because I am aware that while we have talked about Eva dying, we have not gone over the process of saying goodbye to her. I will do everything to help my kids not be scared of this process. Because this 'process' is all we will have of Eva, and I don't want them to be scared.

We once again left feeling peace, but also more conflicted. We still didn't have a game plan of exactly what we wanted to do, and now we didn't know which funeral home to go to. We wanted the best option for Eva and we liked them both. (we liked them as much as any person who is put in this position could--haha, I feel weird to say that 'I like funeral homes' ;) )

Enough of the death talk, we were heading over to check on Eva!

Kerri was so happy to see us, we have formed a unique relationship and felt so comfortable with talking about everything Eva. It was really awesome because she grew a pound over the month!!!! We got to see her SUPER long legs and had them kicking away. She eventually settled down and we saw a new side to her- she was hangin' out and chillin' just like Corbi does. Legs out and hands behind her head. It made me laugh because I think it is so funny that Corbi does this and now Eva. It was precious to see that she is a perfect mixture of both of them- yet still so stubborn with her hand in front of her face. :)

Each ultrasound I am learning so much, and Kerri wears a proud badge stating that I could be a ultrasound tech when I am done because I can point out what we are looking at. It was nice to have a normal conversation. She did mention that I am slightly over the the amount of amniotic fluid I should have BUT Eva's kidneys were working and she had a full bladder- another good sign, she can swallow! This was such amazing news to hear, this means she is doing really well, that her organs are functioning. Small victories!

We met with the our doctor who just went over the small stuff and we headed over to the hospital to meet with the bereavement lady who was going to be our support when Eva comes. It was hard walking into the labor and delivery wing. It was very small from what we have been accustomed to and seeing the nursery first thing walking in was not the easiest.

They gave us a tour of the basic wing and we met with the head nurse who spoke with us a little before Jane arrived. -Jane is the 'bereavement worker' so she basically handles all the comfort care for us. She is such a wonderful woman!- The hardest part was when they told us we would be staying in the least occupied rooms. Which were right across from the nursery. It was so hard to look into that joyous room and only see heartache for us. Because our baby will never go into that nursery to get checked up on. To pass her hearing test, get poked for screenings. None of that will happen with us for Eva. We look into that room and see heartache and pain.

We spoke with Jane and she is such a wonderful lady. She hasn't been through loss directly but her daughter has, so she was very emotional when meeting with us. She gave us an in depth tour of what we will be doing. She showed us the cuddle cot that we will use, for those who do not know-and I hope you never have to use one- a cuddle cot is a 'cooling pad' placed in a Moses basket to lay babies who have passed in to help....preserve...them longer ( I hate using that word), it will allow us more time to be with her.

I still am struggling with wrapping my head around this part. I would be so happy to just be pregnant forever rather than have to have the best and worst day all in one. One part of me is so excited to finally meet Eva. But it is also so hard to think about, as this will be my only chance I will get to hold her in my arms physically. June was a month we were so anxious to have arrive, and now...as it lingers near I struggle. I am envious of those other expectant moms who are 'so excited' to have April, May, June, and so forth to come so they can no longer be pregnant and have their babies. It hurts so much to see all these moms who are so anxious- and they have every right to be! I am so happy for all the moms who I know who are expecting a new little bundle of joy. Because it is so wonderful that they are adding to their family, that they get to have a sweet baby to snuggle and love on. While these moms are so anxious for the time to come to an end, I am anxious that it doesn't. In the end *I* am the mom who doesn't get to take her baby home to love on. *I* am the mom who will come home to an empty bassinet. *I* am the mom who struggles to watch other babies even now make milestones, because I wont get that with Eva.

Now I say this and I don't want my expectant friends to stop posting and being happy that their babies are making these wonderful milestones- because it is very wonderful! YOU are a mother and deserve to be proud and show off all these wonderful milestones, to be so excited and anxious for your birth month to come around, count down the days until you get to hold and love the baby you created; the baby you have carried tired and endlessly, sick and emotional for nine months. You deserve to be so happy, and I hope that I am not taking away from any of that- it is not my intentions. I am so happy for all my friends who are having babies, I really am. Just know it is also hard for me, because I was so excited too- and while a part of me is still, it is hard to know at the end of this pregnancy...I still come home empty handed.

I really try not to make this so sad, because honestly I feel so blessed and loved at the same time. When we had to go to the funeral home to make arrangements, I was sad that this was our reality. But I also felt such peace and an overwhelming love surround me. I knew that Heavenly Father had surrounded me with loving angels to make this day less hard. Without these prayers I know I couldn't make it through the planning, and so for that I thank each of you again for the prayers in our behalf- I feel them daily. I know that as I cannot fully grieve for a loss that is still yet to come, I feel such peace at times because I know this is not the end. We will get to see Eva again, and while that is a long time from now...I still will always be her mom. Forever. Eternity.

Update: 25 weeks

 I never really know how I should start these updates, I get so caught up with everything at once it is hard to put them down into word format. So I will just start from my appointment.

Last week, I had my first follow-up with my doctor since we found out about our sweet Eva. I knew it was going to be a long day and I was lucky enough a friend was able to watch my two kids so I could go without having to drag them around. TJ had to work and couldn't take it off so I was on my own. Typically this wouldn't be an issue. I always went to my appointments by myself and then eventually with Marley in tow. It wasn't anything big happening, just the normal 'appointment'.

This time I felt different; I was anxious, nervous, and sad all wrapped in one. Mind you- my doctor is an hour and a half away, and without kids in the back seats to try and calm down I really had lots of time to think. I kept thinking that I was going to have a positive attitude today, that I was going to go in and not cry. I was tired of constantly crying and my eyes have a constant ache because they shed so many tears lately.

I went in for my ultrasound first thing, and I was happy to see that the same ultrasound tech came to greet me. It was weird for sure to say I was happy to see her but it was nice to have someone I was familiar with. Because the truth is, I will never forget her face. She changed our life with her saying "I will be right back".

We talked about how things were going and I was able to be honest and not just say 'good', she knew. She had told me she kept thinking about me and we talked about the specialist I went to see. She seemed to be more talkative which I was grateful for. To not be left alone in my thoughts.

I asked a lot of questions, basically what we were looking at and she told me everything on what she saw, every detail. I know I already said I was grateful for her talking in general but I was again grateful she told me everything she was looking at- this gave me the chance to get to know Eva more- get a better description so I could picture what she looks like. Because she is bigger than the first time they saw this.

I stated last time that Eva has what they think to be a cleft palate. We were able to look more and see that we believe it is to be on her upper lip. I know it sounds crazy, but I am glad to know exactly where so I can picture her better in my head. Then I asked the hard question of where does her head stop.

Even as I type this my heart just aches and I cant help to have tears, because I know that this is not a glitch on the monitor. This is real. This is who our Eva is. She is perfect to me, but not perfect enough to live a full happy life here with us on earth. It pains me to my very core that this is our reality now. I wish I could fix this, I would give anything to just be able to make her whole and healthy.

When we went to the specialist they gave us a disc of pictures of Eva, and I still haven't looked at them. But this time I asked so that TJ could see more of Eva since he wasn't with us. And I have looked at them, because the truth is, this is all I will get. I wont get to have photos of milestones like crawling, or first food, first steps, first hair cut....I only get few ultrasound photos and 'bump' photos we take because those are the only milestones we will get with her. She is growing, we just don't get to clap for her, or hug her sweet little face and tell her how happy we are she is doing so great.

We were still taking all the pictures needed for sending to our specialist, and we couldn't help but laugh. Eva is stubborn. Just like her big sister. She would NOT mover her hands away from her face. We would try different angles and still, her hands were covering her face as much as possible. This just made me laugh because I was learning more about Eva- and that she is ever so much like her big sister. So stubborn and probably just as sassy too.

When I met up with my doctor we briefly talked about what our next appointment was to look like. I didn't want to go into detail as TJ was not there to be apart of it. We just talked basics on if I can travel far distances and when the hospital would give us the okay to induce labor.

This was only my second time meeting with my doctor as we had moved and switched things around, but I feel so comfortable with her and I feel that she is our best doctor that we have for our situation. She has only had this happen once and that was in residency. BUT I feel she is doing great amounts of research and calling fellow colleges to help us with the best care. And for that I am so grateful for. I am still a 'normal' patient but also feel like she is going above and beyond to help us.

At our next appointment we will be going over to the hospital to take a tour and meet with the staff to start our birth plan. I wont go into much detail but we will be making the decisions of how our 'birth plan' will go and the 'after' as well. This is an area I struggle with. Because of TJ's work schedule we are trying to coordinate this to happen on his week off. Not only that but we have a busy month, full of wedding anniversaries and birthdays.

Eva is due on our wedding anniversary (14th of June), and our sweet, stubborn, and sassy 3 year old turns 4 on the first of July. We want to give us enough time to grieve a little before we celebrate 4 years with our first born. Because that is a miracle in itself- we have almost survived 4 years of this sassy person! And we want that to be joyous and celebrate even though we are missing a piece of our heart. There is no easy answer to say 'okay lets do this day' because in reality we are saying 'okay, this is the day we will say goodbye to Eva' . No easy way. And because all of this is a gamble, we have no idea if she will be stillborn or if we get a few minutes with her. Our chances of stillbirth increase as we move closer to 40 weeks, but do we risk it to spend 5 live minutes with her and loose potentially 3 weeks with her in the womb kicking away? The only safe place for her is in my belly, and I can't say if I want to be selfish and keep her those 3 extra weeks or give us-her parents- the chance to meet her alive if only for a minute or so. Bring back the scoop of sucks and load it on the plate again.

I want to do a quick update as well so this isn't so gloomy. I have a picture of our sweet Eva, and because of circumstances I want to share this picture because it is what we will have of her.

This is a side 'profile' of her entire body. it shows her body and legs curled up real snug, then you can see her head as well as her little nose. She has the same nose my kids have! We are currently 25 weeks in the photo but measuring at 23, so she is still behind on growth but the good news is- she is growing! She is about 1 pound 4 ounces of kicks and punches, and I am enjoying each one as much as I can.

Eva loves it when TJ rubs my belly. She starts kicking and moving around if he stops rubbing, and this is something he is already used to with me! So, once again we have another mini-me who just loves to have her back scratched and rubbed ;) Poor guy will never get a break!

We finally got our little representation of Eva- a lamb!
When we spoke with the child counselor, she recommended us getting something to have to represent Eva. While she is still here with us we can create memories of Eva with this lamb. We adore our lamb and she is very much loved on. We all give her hugs and kisses but my favorite is at any given point the kids will go pick her up from her special spot in our living room and give her a big hug and kiss; sometimes even a snuggle while watching a show or reading a book. They tell Eva lamb how much they love her. This has helped with the 'dealing' portion of grief as we know Eva will always be with us. Maybe not in person but she will always be our little lamb!

Greg Olsen has always been my favorite artist and TJ and I both LOVED this picture of Christ holding a lamb. To me it is Christ holding and loving our little Eva.

There are so many specific people who have helped with this time of hardship, and I want to thank those who have been so wonderful and supportive to us. Those who have answered the phone no matter what they were doing to listen to me cry and just to talk about what I needed to--Thank you. And to those who have reached out with comfort and support and prayers, we appreciate them--Thank you.

Those who text and call me just to check how I am doing and if I need anything--Thank you. My new ward has been phenomenal and I am so grateful to be in such a loving ward.

To all those who have donated to our youcaring fund--Thank you! We are so grateful that there are so many willing to help those in need. I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude as my brother updates me with the support we are given. We really appreciate it all!

Along with the youcaring I know there were so many that reached out on Facebook, I may not personally reply (as this is still a hard time) but I appreciate your kind words and thoughts to us.

So to end the thank-a-monies ;) I want to share with you our song for Eva. Marley is the one to ask for it in the mornings during breakfast- I feel music is a 'relief' from all the grieving and this song is so dear to us.  We know this to be our 'baby Eva song'

My dear children

A letter to my children:

I hope one day you don't remember the bad days that happen more frequently. I hope you know that even on my hard days I enjoy your laughter, smiles, and humor that without a doubt you got from your dad.

Even though I probably seem so distant -which is, without a doubt, the biggest truth- I love to see that you two are so kind to one another, that you play so well together, that you are so smart building puzzles all by yourself without help. I notice on these days that I have less patience and can barely get up off the couch to take care of me let alone you. 

I'm sorry that I get so tired and just want to lay down and sleep. I notice you seeing me drifting into sleep and you go grab a blanket and tuck me in and lay with me. At three years old you are so aware and kind to know how to help.

I know this is all affecting you two, being the big sister it seems you have learned the roll of caring for your brother with helping him get drinks of water or helping him with some cheese when he gets hungry. 

I wish I had more energy to go do fun things like going out in the snow, coloring, or working on the alphabet for preschool. I know I am struggling, but I also notice you struggling too.

I see the hurt in your eyes when you stop during playtime and come to sit with me. Telling me you are sad about Eva. I ask you if you want to talk about all you can muster up to say is why does Eva have to die. I wish I had an answer for that, a good one. I wish she didn't have to die. I wish that we got to bring her home and you got to play the big sister roll of helping me with changing her clothes or holding and burping her. Teaching her how to crawl and walk, laughing with her. I wish SO much that we didn't have to say goodbye at the hospital instead of hello. 

I hope you know without a doubt this is not your fault. After talking about it the first few times when you were still so confused, I saw the sadness in your face and tears like you did something wrong. My sweet Marley, you did nothing wrong. I wish I didn't have to bring such hard reality to you. I wish we didn't have to talk about death, and know that it is so real, and happening. To us. To you. I see the fear that you think mom is going to die too. Which in a hard truth, part of me will die. When Eva dies, a part of mom and dad will go with her. Just like you. 

I wish that I could take away the hurt you feel knowing that this baby we have wanted for so long is no longer an excitement for you. You no longer ask me when Eva is coming because you know that as soon as she comes, we have to say our final goodbye to her. 

I want you to meet her, but I am also fearful as well. What if she passes away in your arms? This is a hard truth that we have to deal with and face. Every mothers worst nightmare is having to say goodbye to a child. But I am sure it is your nightmare too, saying goodbye to a sister you have wanted to see grow. 

But during the meantime while we sit and we wait, I love having the happy memories. The ones where you sit and read to Eva and tell her all about Star Wars. I have memorized the book because its what you want Eva to know about you. And I believe one day you can sit with her and have in depth conversations with her about why Darth Vader is the best while doing her hair. When I think about this, I cant help but smile and laugh. Because you really have this huge obsession with Star Wars. And really, when we ask you what you want Eva to know and learn about you....of course you pick Star Wars!

Even during my hard days you still like to have tickle wars with Eva, and sit and put your ear to my belly. Then laugh because you say she farted. This also makes me laugh you find it funny you think she farted. 

I try to have you put your hand to where she is kicking and get  to feel that special bond with her, but you get so annoyed because she doesn't like to move right away or moves around so you miss it. This makes me laugh and know that once again, I have a stubborn girl just like you. 

I love that every morning you ask if we can listen to 'baby Evas' song and we sit quietly and listen to her song and then a few more songs like it so we can feel her close by. 

I love that even though it is hard and sad to hear you say it, that you pray for Eva. This is something you come up on your own and have no help from us. You ask Heavenly Father that Eva doesn't have to die. Oh my sweet Marley, how I wish this was true. I wish and have asked the same thing. I hope that the doctors are all wrong and that she comes out perfect and can live a long healthy life just like you and me. 

But once again, this is our reality. In June we have to say goodbye to something we wanted so badly. In June, we will have to watch a part of us die- and I hate to bring that sadness on you my sweet children. Because I know you will be hurting too, along with us. Though it will be different for you, I know it will still be difficult knowing that our lives will not be the same. 

As much as I want you to always remember your sister, I don't want you to remember the pain this has brought into our lives. Because I promise, one day we will start having more frequent good days, and maybe even go on some crazy fun adventures. These things I want you to remember more than anything! 

In my prayers I ask that this doesn't ruin you, it doesn't take away your sweet innocence, I wish that this didn't have to happen so you didn't understand how real death is. That it just happens to some people when they are old or get sick or something sad happens. THIS is our 'something sad happens', and it is so real. 

It is......so....real.

And for that, I am sorry.